Raising teenagers can be difficult work and it can be hard to find the right guidance on how to handle challenging situations as well as how to support your son or daughter through school and beyond.
The purpose of this page is to give some suggestions on how to do this. Please do look at the Useful Resources page as well, which will direct you to a wide range of websites and books that you may find helpful. The Who to contact if you have a concern or issue page will help you identify who to speak to in school.
- How can you support your teenager with challenging situations?
- How can we help develop good physical and mental health?
- How can you support your child with their educations?
- How does school support young people?
- What role is played by the School Health Nurse?
- What happens if my child speaks to a member of staff at school about a problem?
How can you support your teenager with challenging situations?
1. Communication
Communicating with teenagers can be hard work. They can struggle to express their emotions and their worries, and often refuse to engage with us when we ask them how they are or how their day was.
However, there are ways around this. This includes reflective listening, which involves simply acknowledging the young person’s emotions (even if these are only communicated through body language). For example, “You seem sad.” This can give them a word which they may use to express themselves, and may open the way for them to identify the cause.
This can be reinforced by normalisation, which is when you acknowledge their emotion and empathise with it, perhaps by simply saying “I’d feel sad if that happened to me too.” A key part of this, Karen tells us, is that questions are not required here – your job is simply to listen. This often works best if you are doing this alongside another activity, like making dinner or driving, as it reduces the pressure of prolonged eye contact.
If they have expressed their emotion and seem better for it, encourage them to move on to something relaxing and positive.
2. Challenging situations
When children are sad or upset, it is natural to want to help. However, we must only step in if necessary, as by dealing with situations for them we deny them the opportunity to learn. It is tempting to offer to deal with things for them (e.g. “I’ll write you a note” or “I’ll speak to that teacher for you”), but they will learn a great deal, and learn to manage their own worry, by dealing with it themselves.
By doing it for them, we risk teaching them to avoid challenge and prevent them from being able to cope by themselves. In most situations, they can resolve these challenges on their own and sometimes accepting the consequences (e.g. a detention for not having their equipment) can help them develop (perhaps by being more organised!).
A good question to ask your child is, “What will happen if I do this?” or “What would you suggest to a friend who is in that situation?” as this can help them reflect sensibly on the challenges they are facing and come up with solutions on their own.
3. Problem-Solving
Sometimes it is our job to help our children solve problems, but the aim is to do this in a way that empowers them, rather than ‘deskilling’ them. This can be because they are facing a challenge that they cannot reasonably deal with on their own. However, it is important to remember that they will need to be able to problem solve on their own as adults, so they must be involved in finding solutions, and take responsibility for this as well.
A simple way to do this is by getting the young person to come up with as many possible solutions to a problem as they can and then calmly and sensibly discussing them together, using questions to prompt them such as “What will happen if you do this?” or “How will this make things better?” and use your judgement to only intervene if really required.
We want all our young people to build their resilience and go out into the world, able to overcome challenges and solve their own problems. It is important they know we adults are there to support them if they need us, but that they have the necessary skills to do this themselves. Parents/carers are always welcome to contact school if they feel they need to, but we do encourage children to try and deal with issues that arise themselves if possible. Emotions can run high when we are dealing with young people, especially if they are sad or afraid or angry, but we need to try and use these moments as learning opportunities and resist the urge to try and solve the problem for them. It is also crucial that we, as adults, remain calm in these difficult situations. Of course, if you are at all worried about their safety, please do contact the school.
How can we help develop good physical and mental health?
Having good physical and mental health is crucial for all of us, especially teenagers. Physical health is impacted by diet and by exercise, as well as access to fresh air and proper amounts of sleep. There is a wide range of advice on www.nhs.uk/live-well, which includes information on what young people should be eating and the exercise they should be doing. Evidence suggests that children benefit hugely from eating together, as this can have a positive impact on portion control and improve their relationship with food, as well as being a good time to talk about their lives with their families. Exercise is an important component and should be done daily for young people. Both diet and exercise can also have a big impact on sleep, which itself has a huge influence on how well we face the following day. The use of devices like mobile phones, televisions and other electronics in the hour before bed can really affect a person’s ability to sleep well, as can an erratic sleeping schedule.
This might mean that you consider doing some of the following:
• Removing electronic devices from bedrooms (or at least from beside the bed)
• Switch off all electronic devices at least an hour before bedtime
• Having set bedtimes, even for older children, to help them get into a good routine
• Encourage reading, drawing or writing before bed as a good way to help them wind-down
Mental health is something many young people also struggle with, for a variety of reasons. Most worry and anxiety is perfectly normal and can be dealt with using the strategies detailed by Karen Spasic above. By ensuring that our young people are physically healthy, we can also help safeguard their mental health. However, if you find that your child’s mental health is beginning to have an impact on their ability to function in everyday life, it is important that they seek help. This might be by speaking to the Pastoral Support Manager at school, by making an appointment with your GP or by making use of the websites and books on the Useful Resources page.
If you believe your child has a Special Educational Need or Disability (SEND), please do get in touch with us. Children with these needs are closely monitored by our SEND team.
How can you support your child with their education?
Research shows that there is a strong correlation between parental engagement and academic achievements.
Talking to your children about school will instantly inform them that education is important and so your child ‘is more likely to comply with the norms and values of school’ and in turn improve their academic achievements. (Oyserman et al, 2001).
It is important to not let your previous experience with school get in the way of your child’s education. Strengthening the relationship between school and parents is key to supporting your child’s growth. Conversations with parents and showing an interest have proven that students put more importance on schooling. (Dotterer, 2016).
At home ask your child about his day and try not to accept the usual “I don’t know”, “nothing”, “good” or “bad” for an answer. Showing that you care about what they have done during the day will enable them to reflect on their learning and behaviour. You know your children very well and it would be very useful to sometimes share this knowledge with your child’s teachers. The Bicester School teachers would be more than happy to discuss with you, give you advice as well as listen to your suggestions and advice. (Janet Goodall, 2019)
Research has demonstrated that students whose parents are supporting their child in their homework are more likely to have higher academic achievements. Helping your child to revise, asking him or her questions and pushing them to tell you what they feel they have mastered and what they feel that they are struggling with will increase progress.
It also vital to help your child develop their cultural capital. This refers to experiences outside of the classroom that can help them make better progress in their education and relate well with future employers. This can include doing a wide range of activities, including:
• Reading widely (fiction and non-fiction)
• Watching documentaries
• Keeping up with the news
• Listening to podcasts and other audio
• Visiting museums and galleries
• Exploring the countryside
• Going to historically significant sites like castles and learning about them
• Visiting universities
• Attending lectures like those run at Oxford University
• Going on days out to cities like Oxford and London
How does school support young people?
Through our everyday delivery of the curriculum, teachers are introducing and reinforcing a wide range of skills, from listening, to resilience, to confidence. This is also delivered through our PSHE curriculum, as well as in assemblies, form-time and enrichment activities like trips and outside speakers. All of this is working in line with our school values and our desire to aspire and achieve. Teachers are available to give additional advice and help for students as well as parents.
The PSHE curriculum covers the following topics:
Relationships:respectful and healthy relationships with friends and family, staying safe online, intimate relationships, sexual health
Physical Health and Mental Well being: Internet safety, healthy lifestyles, drugs, alcohol and tobacco, adolescence and puberty, prevention of illness.
British Values and the world around us: e.g. foreign aid, refugees, tolerance
In addition to this, we have a wide range of staff who will work with young people to help them fully access their education. This includes our Pastoral Managers as well as the staff who support students with special education needs or disabilities. During their time with us students also receive a wide range of support with careers and future planning. More on this can be found on the career and future plans section of the website.
What role is played by the School Health Nurse?
School nurses work in partnership with other agencies to offer support to school-aged children, young people and their families on many issues.
The School Health Nurse at The Bicester School is Ruth Locke. Students should talk to their pastoral manager or tutor if they would like to see the School Health Nurse.
School Health Nurse Parent Information
Information about our School Health Nurse
What happens if my child speaks to a member of staff at school about a problem?
Staff will also listen kindly and respectfully to any young person who speaks to them about problems they are having. We do not promise confidentiality to any of our students, as if we are concerned about their safety or the safety of another student this must be referred to our Designated Safeguarding Lead (Mr Marshall) or to one of the Deputy Safeguarding Leads (Mrs Metcalf and Mrs Laverick) and a decision will be made by them as to what happens next. In situations where there are no safeguarding concerns, we will do our best to help the young person overcome their challenge or solve their problem independently.